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Dreaming The Place by ~Moonbeams:iconMoonbeams:

Categories Literature > Poetry > General Poetry > Open




Their lullaby is the guttered water
falling into sewer drains;
drip
    drip
        drip.
              
             Their fragmented dreams are
               of  tumbling leaves and taillights,
                 disappearing into the nighttime hues.  

They wake to the stampede of suits and briefcases,
Shivering.
Their blankets have blown away.
Drifting in the wind with yesterday’s news.
©2006-2008 ~Moonbeams
Details
Submitted: January 29, 2006
File Size: 569 bytes
Image Size: 27.1 KB
Resolution: 668×456
Comments: 6
Favourites & Collections: 0

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Author's Comments

Any advice appreciated.

Truth
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~slowlyslippingaway:iconslowlyslippingaway: Jan 30, 2006, 10:55:25 PM
Beautiful stuff!! It's so visual and in-your-face that you just HAVE to read all of it!! :clap: I can't think of anything to make it better. Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful!

--
~Water Reject~

Truth! Justice! Freedom!
And a Hard-boiled Egg!

=Echoes-of-the-Dead, my OCD Twin!! :D (also awesome writer)
~FrozenDruidess:iconFrozenDruidess: Feb 12, 2006, 8:53:45 PM
wow this is beautiful :clap: I love the style and imagery.

--
Move softly on the ground..." ..."Hush now as the wind blows . Willows sway in time . As one we move with the breeze"...

"Underneath the starry glow, the earth is spinning slow... Dance with the unknown..."- Rhea's Obsession
~Saint-Nightmare:iconSaint-Nightmare: Mar 20, 2006, 11:31:44 PM
Their lulling is of the guttered water

Lulling sounds strange here. This line phonectically sounds off. I suggest someting along the lines of lullabye instead. and is of the This sounds wierd just speaking it. You coud cut out of the Without even changing the meaning. It feel cluttered up there

That's my only real gripe, here. Otherwise I enjoyed it. :)

--
WRITE MOTHERFUCKER
~Moonbeams:iconMoonbeams: Mar 22, 2006, 11:00:51 AM
Thank you for this. It does sound much better the way you put it and I'm off to change it. Thanks again for reading.

--
I crave cocoa when the wind hits my door; classic conditioning.

You should try not to live too much, you could end up dying.
~Saint-Nightmare:iconSaint-Nightmare: Mar 22, 2006, 11:48:33 AM
very welcome, sweets. :heart:

--
WRITE MOTHERFUCKER
~JesterSeven:iconJesterSeven: Mar 31, 2008, 4:12:06 PM
I really like this. Maybe it's the picture, but I get this sense of starting out with a natural setting and then it turning into a street. At times it seems almost a little surreal, but I also get this very real image of someone having to live in the gutter. There's a strong sense of melancholy by the end.

--
The little devil on everyone's shoulder.
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